ABU DHABI

AFTER MY SAUDI ARABIA DEBACLE SARA INSISTED ON ADDING IN ABU DHABI

Which was a great idea, we have done Dubai, so we book a sea front hotel, The Radisson Blue, and plan for doing the stuff we missed in Dubai, waterpark, dune buggy etc.

So we get there, book in, and wander over the road to the (residents included at no cost, otherwise £40 a day) beach club and water park. What a surprise. It's a sophisticated, manicured, private, calm oasis of four pools, lovely sand beach with a zillion beds, two top quality restaurants, a couple of good bars, green, green grass and perfect weather, sunny, hot and dry with a breeze. Not a bad start. Chill there for a bit.

Back to the hotel. Built in 1971, 55 years ago, when there was fuck all here!! I was here in 2008, 16 years ago as chaperone to Miles (at that time a cricket prodigy, playing as the youth player for Lashings International Celebrity team). It was hell, stuck in the almost new 6 star Emirates Palace across the road. We left that sheer luxury to come over the road here to Abu Dhabi's only pub, Hemingway's. And now I'm back! The hotel has this great pub, a really good old school jazz club, AND the beach club. In my opinion (I would have put IMO, but most of you would not have got it) it is as good or better than the all-inclusive in Zanzibar.

The beautiful beach club is above, and our hotel is the tiny, tiny speck, a 55 year old speck, between the two new towers, at the lower right of the left tower, you can just see the old girl. Picture taken from the grounds of my old hotel, the Emirates Palace (all expenses paid courtesy of David Folb in 2008)

Having spent about 10 days in Dubai this is a lovely change of pace. Same excellent weather (great for a winter break) but much, much calmer. Greener, quieter, not as well set up for scooters/bikes/joggers which is surprising and may be an issue down the line as they are building so many tourist related 'things to do and see', and so lots of apartments, but still great. Well worth the visit!

Now Sara has seen Abu Dhabi there is a non stop undercurrent that I made an error with taking the team to Saudi Arabia (not worth a visit, so not). All I hear is "I wish we had another few days to visit Oman". And a really unusual undercurrent of "I don't want to go home yet". Normally after almost two months on the road we are really pleased to be heading to our own beds. Must be due to the fact we normally get back in early March, not the fag end of January. Or could it be that my lovely has me all to herself on holiday and when we get back, the pub and the garden call me away from her side. No. It's because it's cold, wet and there's no water coming out of the taps at home - that's way more likely!!

CULTURE COMES FIRST................

So we plan our trips. Day 1 is culture. The BIG BUS TOUR. One drawback, it's £80 a head for a bus route that goes in a straight line, one every 2.5 hours. So NOT a proper Big Bus Tour, or not as we know it Jim. So we map out a BIG TAXI TOUR, half the price, no crowds, at our own pace. OK, OK, no open top and sitting in the front seats, wind in my thinning hair, but £160 cheaper! What the hell are they thinking?? Bit like the photographers at the desert camp site in a day or so taking our pictures on an actual camera, printing them, putting them in lovely presentation folders, bringing them to our table (at least 6 per couple) and asking £10 a pop!!! We ALL point to our phones and say we have 1000 shots each, many better than yours, and we can email/whatsapp/print for ziltch, why would we pay you £10 for a photo, which if was that good we would simply re-photograph on our phone and ditch yours???????????? Bit like using lawyers/accountants in a couple of years time - why use you when I can ask ChatGPT?

Any road up, CULTURE! First was the Grand Mosque, like everywhere in the UAE, a 25 minute cab ride away. Free entry. Dropped in a pretty car park venue with a great view of the amazingly large Mosque, just like the first view of the Taj Mahal. One big difference. You see the view, but now you go underground, deep underground, you enter the Mosque Mall, you buy stuff, you get to the checkpoint. Sara not allowed!!!!!!! Bare shoulders. Sara has a shawl, BUT its ever so slightly see through. An absolute NO NO. You can, with the aid of a torch, just about make out Sara's muscular biceps, which is enough to make sara be sent back to buy a full Arabic fancy dress outfit. No kidding, before Covid they rented them, post Covid you BUY them. And no sneaking back saying "Can I get a refund, it didn't fit when I got it home". £20 a head for the unworthy. Then my lovely got it in her head that I should spend the same. WHY???????

Frankly I think I look good. Nobody laughed, not in my face anyway. Sara looked lovely. And as Sara pointed out, the £20 a head was less than a milk shake and a sandwich in the mall!

I felt a bit of a dick. I tried the old "I don't feel comfortable beacuse surely this is 'cultural appropriation' schtick. To no avail. Apparently you wear a Sombrero in Cambridge and it is an arrestable offence, here you dress up like a joke Arab in an actual Mosque and it is totally cool, Go figure.

Next time I'm in Canterbury Cathedral i am SO going in a robe and a pointy hat!

On the bright side I look OK.

And because I have bigged myself up - I obviously have to include Mrs Henslow, who looked gorgeous!

Which brings me to trousers.

Why, oh why, do 99.99% of men on tour wear shorts? I NEVER wear shorts, unless of course it is 100% shorts-appropriate. The beach (maybe), next to a swimming pool (sometimes), on the tennis court (white only), at primary school (not at 75, I mean when I was a child, not when I visit a primary school, or are hanging around outside one).

I pack one pair, rolled up, alongside my four pairs of trousers. I wear trousers by default, they protect my lily white legs from the sun, prevent grazes when I topple over, and they have lots of pockets.

At each of our hot country hotels I was the ONLY man out of 500 in trousers!! I am so please to be back in a civilised country! South Africa 100% shorts, Zanzibar 100% shorts. Here, in a mosque - NIL % shorts!! I look good as a Muslim, and I don't feel this weird need to have the breeze around my tackle.

ONWARD WITH THE CULTURE THING.............

Onward to The Louvre. Totally paid for by Abu Dhabi, billions to build it (a billion US actually). Borrowed some stuff from the frogs. borrowed the name LOUVRE from the frogs. How much was that to borrow the name I hear you ask? Another billion!!!!!!!!! Paid to the frogs over 30 years to be fair, but it is still a lump.

What is even worse......Every flipping sign, description, menu etc is in Arabic (understood), English (obviously) and bloody French!!!!

I've just paid you a flipping billion to borrow a name and some stuff from your stores and I have to describe everything from the bogs to the exit in Frog?? You cannot be serious! Yup, every sign in the place is in French.

AT LEAST IT.S NOT WOKE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Unlike the Tate, the National Gallery, and most UK museums, where if a small Indian is standing stage left in a massive painting of old white men (albeit important old white men, the subject of the painting) then the little Indian boy gets full billing. "Note the small Indian slave to the upper right of the painting from 1850, imagine his plight as a slave to these appalling old porkers" Not here, there were NO woke or point scoring descriptions of any of the exhibits. Bet that was not the French influence. Way more likely the inclusive and enlightened rulers of this amazing Arabic state (they check blogs).

SO THE LOUVRE ABU DHABI IS NOT AN ART MUSEUM............

It is a museum of all the bits the Louvre Paris had in it back storeroom. Really is. A total mish-mash of stuff through the ages, but none the worse for that. Beautifully exhibited in an amazing building with descriptive signs on each exhibit that you need a bloody magnifying glass to read, and for extra fun, a lot of them are at floor level. I've said it before and I'm saying it again - go figure! At floor level! About 18 point! This type is at 18 point. Put this on the floor and read it why don't you?? At least when you kneel down to read it you don't get harangued about white privilege. Be thankful for small mercies. On the bright side they did exhibit the worlds first chocolate fountain (joke credit - Sara Henslow)

ENOUGH CULTURE - ON WITH THE FUN...............

The Louvre Abu Dhabi is vast! We wondered around, got lost, stumbled down some stairs, and found the VIRTUAL REALITY suite. An extra £20 a head for a half hour of wonder. Not even going to try and describe it, but it was amazing. This stuff is coming down the line so be ready. It's still in it's infancy. We loved it.

So we were now cultured out, so back to the beach club, via a scooter ride to yet another amazing mall, and a planning meeting. Tomorrow is a relaxing morning, then an after lunch kick off for an 8 hour desert marathon trip. WADI BASHING, camels everywhere, belly dancers, Arabic food in a camp. Yes, 100% tourist trap stuff, but you have to do it. It's the law.

You really need the sound on for that video - just to hear the squealing! Click icon bottom right of the screen

FLORENCE OF ARABIA,,,,,

Sara loved it all! It's the look that makes it all more fun. Big desert, big cars, crazy drivers, charming camels,

How the flipping cars do not flip over on their sides is amazing, totally wild ride!

Almost as wild as the one and a half hour ride back to town in the dark with the driver trying to write his own reviews on the passengers phones while failing to keep the car on the road. Then getting bored with that and next talking loudly ten to the dozen to his mates on his phone while still failing to keep the car on the road.

He was great in the sand, in daylight, at night, on the flat tarmac, not so good. He actually lost all his tips and all his reviews in the last 30 miles. Sadly, nobody had the heart/balls to tell the daft sod.

THAT WAS HARD WORK SO WE ARE DUE A REST DAY,,,,,,,

Not happening! Off in the morning as the ONLY pedestrians walking frigging miles to first, The Emirates Palace Hotel (really big), then on again, on foot, to The Rulers Palace (really, really, really, really big). We didn't even intend to go there, just sort of wandered in, about a mile of wandering in. Literally the ONLY people who wandered/walked in. Probably ever.

Above is Sara playing in the Emirates Palace fountains, mainly as they had chucked us out for not being residents. Below is the front door of the Rulers Palace, and that is what you call a DOOR!!!! The inside was mahousive! Marble as far as the eye could see. Really impressive. But what for????

Abu Dhabi has been a real success. A lot calmer than Dubai, more spaced out. not so many skyscrapers crowding each other out and blotting out the sun, although one monster did plunge half the beach club into darkness for an hour every lunhtime. It will probably be in the dark all day in 5 years time.

So the last day dawns, before we take a cab back up the coast to Dubai. It's been a great visit. The only drawback being the fact that a small beer is £11 and a bottle of the cheapest wine is £60. Same for food. So once again South Africa wins as the place with everything but at prices that make you smile rather than wince slightly. Abu Dhabi wins slightly over Dubai because it is calmer. Zanzibar wins for being a really nice African country with great beaches and lovely people.

THEN BACK TO DUBAI AND FINALLY - HOME