THE MALDIVES

I DON'T EVEN LIKE WATER THAT MUCH, OR YOGA

Sara's aim, here in THE MALDIVES for four days, is to become a cross between a dolphin and a yogi on this luxury break at sea level. Her perfect world. Me, I like mountains and greenery and rock beneath my feet. But I am going to give snorkelling a try (and maybe even yoga). As a lover of 'kit' I am researching 'full face snorkelling masks' and 'snorkelling vests', and I am banking on Male having a plethora of snorkelling emporiums so that I have 'all the gear - and no idea' before we land on our island paradise.

The plan is to fly Kochin to Male (capital of the Maldives) a day early, on an early flight, then cool our heels for 24 hours before boarding our speedboat to whisk, waft, whatever us to our isle of choice.

We are getting there a full 24 hours early "in case our flight is delayed and we miss time on the island". The fact that between getting up at 0600 on Sunday to board our flight, and checking in on the island at 1500 on Monday we could pretty much have walked the journey, flight disruption or not, was neither here nor there. The hotels department were not taking ANY risks on missing ANY time in the azure waters or on the white sands. Not at £520 a night they weren't. No sireee.

Arrive in Male dead on time. NO delays. Check into an average hotel in the middle of the crammed town, all multi stories and tiny streets. Now what? Well first things first, snorkel shopping is what.

I had my heart set on a full face mask and the first shop had one, just one. Popular they are not - but my research was unequivocal, they are the dog's bollocks. And as you can see from the photo they make you look as though you've jammed your noggin inside a log burning stove. Or you are wearing a chimenea. Either way I loved it and £70 later, I owned it. I was then about to add flippers and a 'snorkelling vest' (whatever the hell that is), when Sara stepped in and pointed out that (1) My own personal 'spare tyre' makes me inherently buoyant, and (2) I would hate flippers and (3) the hotel actually provides all three free of charge. But, as I proudly pointed out, NOT a full face chimenea!

All that was left now was to travel to the ONLY hotel in town which had a drinks license. Seriously, a dry TOWN this time. Ferry to it is quickest, next to that ferry is a little desk offering day trips - to none other than our island - RESULT! 20 minutes later we are sampling our island for FREE. And plotting to use the ferry to avoid the $150pp rip-off for the hotel speedboat. No can do. Security on and off the boat is super tight, no luggage allowed, passport numbers given to get tickets, Counted off and back on. Bugger.

Our day trip did however give us a very nice intro to our paradise island, Saii Lagoon.........

Sara had picked the SAII LAGOON hotel which is an an Island just south of the main town on South Male Atholl, a 20 minute speedboat ride away. Picked because it is not your typical Maldivian island holiday for honeymooners and stressed out city boys. Their islands are a long way off and remote, and quiet, often a seaplane ride away ($400 plus). They normally have A bar, A restaurant, and 50 huts. Perfect peace and quiet.

To avoid us (me mainly) going stir crazy OUR island has, wait for it - two hotels (ours and The Hard Rock), 3 receptions, 6 bars, 14 restaurants and a nightclub. Cooking on gas! And we still have stunning, pristine beaches everywhere, plus a dive centre, plus the bluest, bluest water either of us have ever seen.

We duly speedboat over at 10am and get checked straight into a really big lovely room, with a balcony and a superb view, and just look at that water...... I have to admit that The Maldives is truly beautiful. You just don't see beaches, and colours like this in many places on earth. Stunning!

Enough beauty. Time to pop out for a spot of lunch.

Now Sara has told me I can't moan about the prices, so this is NOT a moan, just a comment. Four drinks at the pool bar £40, lunch of a Caesar salad and a club sandwich with two beers £90. Cheapest wine £60. I find that the hotel does a really nice buffet by the seashore, a snip at £95 a person (not including any drinks). Every single starter and/or main in every single restaurant start at £25, even a pizza, and in the Hard Rock Cafe they do PINTS of Singha beer, at £13 a pint! Bottle of Corona in the room £10, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

Grin and bear it I tell myself. It's Sara's special part of the trip I tell myself. You can't take it with you I tell myself. But I can't help hearing over and over in my head Sara saying "I'm happy to pay the difference darling" and my dickhead reply of "no, it's fine!".

So I find THE HUT. Where the workmen eat and where a Chicken Sub in clingfilm is £2 (as opposed to basically the same thing on a china plate 10 yards away at £25), a Schweppes tonic is £1.50 as opposed to £6 in the room. I show Sara. She gives me side-eye and we book dinner at The Ministry of Crab. Asia's leading crab restaurant. £200.

I later sneak back to the hut for a midnight snack. Ready for an early start for our 9.00am snorkelling lesson. Out on the beach, an hour in the water, learn a lot, see loads of fish, loads of coral, massive drop off the reef into the ocean, one passing shark, get mistaken for the Loch Ness Monster by passing children, but love my mask!

From here on in I think the blog could get a bit repetitive. Get up, stuff face for three hours at buffet breakfast (because it is included in the room price), put on mask, scare children on beach, sit in the sun, read book, and just RELAX . This is the mid point of our Indian Odyssey, three weeks in, three and a bit to go.

This means four days of sheer luxury before we get back on the road to Colombo and Sri Lanka, so we are going to make the best of it.

On Day 2 at breakfast it all comes good! Sara points out a little corner of the room where there is a big ice bucket with 6 bottles of Cava, plus a line of flutes. Can it be? Yes! Bloody free Bucks Fizz, and to make it even better it is self-poured, less of the Bucks, more of the Fizz. How weird is that? It is £60 a bottle on the wine list, but FREE for breakfast, the only free thing on the island.

I start breakfast at 0730 and leave when they close at 10.45 standing on the outside of about £100 worth of Fizz - RESULT

So my day is pretty settled. Up at sparrows fart for a hearty breakfast for three hours, drink a gallon of Bucks Fizz, leave pissed and full. Nap to sleep it off. A little light child/fish scaring in my snorkel mask, nap to recover, out for dinner. Rinse and repeat. Bloody marvellous. That pace of life is why people come to The Maldives I guess.

And for vistas like these as well....................................

As I beguile you with more lovely shots of azure waters and white sands, and there were many more I could have jammed in, but my favourite is the rather fetching orange coloured fluid on the right. Did I mention FREE and unlimited Bucks Fizz at all? It's 4.00pm and I am already looking forward to breakfast tomorrow.

BUT WAIT - tomorrow our island idyll ends! Its on the road again. Back to 'On the bus - off the bus - on the bus - off the bus'. I'm currently seated at a red hot laptop were I have just booked a driver and SUV for a 1000 mile, 9 day marathon round Sri Lanka. I was going to hire a car and drive it myself but the logic of it is as follows:- Car hire 9 days £600 (not including fuel and tolls and wear and tear on the driver, me, and one nervous passenger, Sara). Car & Driver hire in an SUV £600 (including everything, right up to car wi-fi apparently). So let the local driver take the strain and contribute to the local economy. What's not to like?? The booking process was a 'beauty contest'. Go on website, explain needs, numbers, routes, and within 15 minutes you get 10 detailed quotes back, amazing. Pictures of car and driver, reviews, the works. I picked the driver with the biggest smile.

19 days remaining - A couple in Colombo, then up country for all the sights in five or six locations over the nine days with our driver, then on two different beaches for another six days each before flying back to Chennai for the homeward bound flight back to Blighty.

As we are just past the halfway point, and before my memory fades, it's also time for the BEST OF to date competition results:-

1. BEST HOTEL - SAII LAGOON - excellent design, pools, top quality facilities all round.

2. BEST BEACHES (IN THE WORLD) - SAII LAGOON again, they really are world class and probably the best we have ever seen for beauty, water colour, water clarity, beach sand. Runner up: Costa Rica.

3. BEST HOTEL ROOM - SAII LAGOON - Lovely big room with an amazing balcony overlooking a stunning beach.

4. BEST FOOD - LEELA PALACE CHENNAI - Their dinner buffet was incredible with food from all over the world and all delicious.

5. BEST BREAKFAST - Once again it has to be SAII LAGOON - Home made bread, proper Gaggia coffee machine, big kitchen producing great fried eggs instantly, real orange juice -,and BUCKS FIZZ on tap!!

So at this stage the lovely SAII LAGOON seems to be clearing the board with the awards committee. But we still have time for a late comer to step up to the plate. To be fair to the other hotels they were mostly off the main tourist routes and in southern India which is not synonymous with top flight service. Lets see what Sri Lanka brings to the party.

So on we go to SRI LANKA on a flight with China Southern Airlines, who seem determined to glean as much personal information about passengers as is humanly possible, which is weird.

ON TO SRI LANKA